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Month: May 2020

Packing an Identity

Packing an Identity

by Priscilla Costandi

“



But I knew in my heart that it was for a better future, one that would be bright and hopeful, safe for us and our little family.

Priscilla Costandi

I was at Beirut International airport at 5:00 am on April 20th, 2005. As the sun peeked through the long glass windows reflecting the beginning of a usual morning in Beirut, I thought how unusual this morning was for me. I have been feeling numb in the past few weeks while packing up my life to immigrate to Canada with my son Rami. We were to join my husband Bassem, who left six months earlier. My mother, Aniseh, grabbed my left arm with a strength so familiar, directing me this way and that way until we reached the lineup to airport security. I took another look to my right and noticed the spring morning dew falling on the long glass window. I wondered if those were my tears. 

I noticed people around me rushing, some smiling, some yawning, and some tearing up as they bid farewell to loved ones. I still felt numb. It had been my defensive shadow, as I rearranged my 35 years in a few suitcases. I thought about the time when my husband was applying for immigration to Canada. I told him, “I hope we won’t be accepted; it will be the saddest day of my life when I leave Lebanon.” But I knew in my heart that it was for a better future, one that would be bright and hopeful, safe for us and our little family.

My mother’s voice carried me back to the present, whispering in my ears. “We are not going to cry, OK?” I wondered if this was a question, a statement, or a plea. My two-year-old son’s excitement grounded me as I engaged in the smallest joyful details of his life and I decided to hold my tears. He has been looking forward to reuniting with baba Bassem, to ride on the big plane and fly to Canada. 

As my turn to reach airport security approached, I looked back at a life so sweet, a life surrounded by family love, friendships, neighbours, a life that has taken a long time to shape into what is now going to fade into past. 

Both my parents had come to Lebanon as refugees from Palestine; and for the longest time I have struggled with a dual identity, both thriving and barely surviving. Both caught up in complex religious and political conflicts. I had tried to delay the decision to leave Lebanon for as long as I could. Until one day on February 14th, 2005 as I headed out during my lunch break to pick up a parcel that Bassem had sent me, the earth suddenly shook under my feet.  I heard security guards of the British embassy, where I worked, calling me to run back inside. In those swift seconds in time, and before I was rushed back in, my mind raced with thoughts of running away to my in-laws to make sure my son Rami was safe at home, that my mum was okay at work as well as my sister, family, friends and my neighbours. 

Later, news announcements confirmed that the explosion had killed the Lebanese prime minister and members of his convoy who were passing through the area where I had been heading for the post. My mum, sister, family, friends and neighbours were spared their lives.

The uncertainties that Lebanon was going to face following the assassination of the prime minister were not difficult to predict. And thus, the time to escape had come; if fifteen years of civil war followed by constant political and economic unrest weren’t good enough reasons, having a child and wanting the best for him, changed my whole outlook. 

I hug my mother and sister, and I don’t cry. I turn my back and leave Lebanon. 

Up in the air, my tears mourn every Mediterranean sunset I have witnessed, every mountain hike I took, every career stone I built, my music, my journey that embraced a Lebanese identity which I have resisted for so long. I realized many years later, that my identity is still a work in progress, one that constantly weaves places, faces, land, oceans, and countries. 

Cover image created by Zehra Nawab. Illustrated portrait by Sam Trieu.

I am Lebanese, Palestinian & Canadian. I came to Canada as an immigrant in 2005. I live in Ontario with my husband, two teenage sons and Leo, our adorable cat. Love, relationships, storytelling, culture, identity, humanity, justice and nature are values that I thrive on. I enjoy many things, including baking, taking long walks, listening to music, reading a good book, sunsets, and all the things that connect me to my roots and culture. I have worked in the settlement sector with refugees since 2011, a career that has added to my humanity more than I could ever give back. I will always yearn for the salty Mediterranean sea. That’s me.

This story was produced in

The X Page:
A Storytelling Workshop

with generous support from:

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union is a member-owned financial cooperative serving people across Ontario who want to connect their values and faith with their finances.

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement is a dynamic space on the University of Waterloo campus, home to peace-oriented innovators, and established organizations from the region’s vibrant peacebuilding field.

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo is making cultural development a priority to make Waterloo an even better place to live, work, learn, and play.

MT Space

MT Space

MT Space is a Multicultural Theatre Space that brings different communities together to create a community of difference.

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications is a boutique PR Agency specializing in Media Relations and Communications.

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares is a Canadian peace research institute with a focus on disarmament efforts and international security.

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly is an award-winning literary magazine that publishes Canadian poetry, fiction, and essays.

learn more

Read more

  • Priscilla Costandi
  • 2020
  • X Page Workshop

The Suitcase

The suitcase

by basima marhoon

“



Deep in my heart, I knew my daughters would never go back to Baghdad, not even for a visit. They would say that they didn't have any pleasant memories back there. Their only memories were of the war.

Basima Marhoon

It was 2018, and I was sitting on a chair in my home in Baghdad. I was trying to figure out the most important things to take along with me to my new home in Canada. I heard the chirping of the birds on the citrus trees and the date palm tree in the front yard of the house. I could smell the dust, as it was windy that day.

When I was young, and even once I’d grown up, I never thought that one day I would leave Baghdad, my birthplace, and immigrate to Canada. But in the aftermath of the war in 2003, I was afraid for my daughters’ safety. I didn’t send them to school for a year, instead home schooling them. During that time, my daughters were able to distinguish—from the echo of the blast—whether it was a car bomb, a roadside bomb, or a mortar bomb. Those explosions happened frequently. That wasn’t a normal way for a child to grow up.  

When my daughters were born in the nineties, readymade clothes were not available due to the sanctions against Iraq. We could import fabrics and it was expected that Iraqi women would sew their own clothes. Actually, that task brought a lot of joy for me at the time, as I was on maternity leave from the university where I used to work as a lab instructor.

Now, in front of me, there were two old suitcases and a large box on the floor. I opened the suitcases. They were packed with my daughter’s clothes. The ones I had sewed myself, when they were little kids. They were washed, ironed, and neatly packed in the suitcase, with soap bars in between. I flipped between the piles, and chose a newborn white gown, a toddler skirt, and their first navy school uniforms. I would donate the rest. Deep in my heart, I knew my daughters would never go back to Baghdad, not even for a visit. They would say that they didn’t have any pleasant memories back there. Their only memories were of the war.

I felt tired, so I stood up to stretch my back. 

Then I went to the kitchen to prepare some steeped tea with cardamom. I turned on the radio. It has been a long time since I’ve listened to an Arabic radio channel. I went back to finish the task dragged the box that was full of family photos. “Oh my God, there are so many!” I said to myself. Those photos documented my family’s life, so without any hesitation, I decided to take them all.

I breathed a deep sigh of relief, as I finally managed to pack the memories of my 45 years of living in Baghdad in that 23kg suitcase. I would take this suitcase along with me to my homeland, Canada, where we were starting a new thriving life.

I relaxed after feeling that my mission was accomplished. I listened to the song on the radio, called “Sometimes I Am Longing For,” performed by the Egyptian singer Mohamed Fouad. I felt as if the singer was dedicating the song to me, as the lyrics expressed my feelings at this moment.

At times, I long for the days when I was young, for the days when we were carefree.

At times, I long for the days when I used to fall asleep wearing my new Eid clothes, and for the feeling that tomorrow is far away. 

I miss my mom’s cup of coffee when I studied, my father’s joy when I passed the exams, my family’s gatherings when we travelled.

At times, I miss my uncles and grandparents, my grandmother’s tales. I long for one of the good old days when happiness filled the air.

Those things happened a long time ago, they carved images in my mind just like my name. Neither the coming days nor life could ever erase those memories. 

Cover image created by Zehra Nawab. Illustrated portrait by Sam Trieu.

Basima’s story was produced in The X Page: A Storytelling Workshop. To learn more, visit thexpageworkshop.com.

This story was produced in

The X Page:
A Storytelling Workshop

with generous support from:

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union is a member-owned financial cooperative serving people across Ontario who want to connect their values and faith with their finances.

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement is a dynamic space on the University of Waterloo campus, home to peace-oriented innovators, and established organizations from the region’s vibrant peacebuilding field.

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo is making cultural development a priority to make Waterloo an even better place to live, work, learn, and play.

MT Space

MT Space

MT Space is a Multicultural Theatre Space that brings different communities together to create a community of difference.

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications is a boutique PR Agency specializing in Media Relations and Communications.

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares is a Canadian peace research institute with a focus on disarmament efforts and international security.

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly is an award-winning literary magazine that publishes Canadian poetry, fiction, and essays.

learn more

Read more

  • Basima Marhoon
  • 2020
  • X Page Workshop

Crayons

Crayons

by Swati Swoboda

“



“You all will have to forget everything you have learned in English so far. I don’t care what color, font, paper, pen you use. It only has to be legible. You could write in crayons for all I care.”

Swati Swoboda

“Sit anywhere you like,” said the tall, blonde woman standing in front of the classroom. She carried herself with confidence, but not snobbery, wearing a black turtleneck, checkered skirt, black tights, with brown clogs. Some of the kids in the class already knew her. She was their Varsity cheerleading coach.

I found myself a seat with my friends in the back of the classroom.

She introduced herself: “I am Mrs. Black, your 10th Grade English Teacher.”

I took a deep breath.

I had struggled in English for as long as I could remember, with my first assignment the year before, in 9th grade, fetching a big fat F, garnering a D+ for that term.

And I had only managed to get into 9th grade by passing the 8th grade English exam with a whopping 43%. Not a surprise, given that I was in “Basic English” which was somewhere between ESL and “Regular English.”

My first year in the US, in 7th Grade, was just as miserable where, after failing my first writing assignment, I spent the rest of the year toiling in after school help.

When I had lived in Dubai, I did better in Arabic than English, despite having been introduced to Arabic only in 4th grade.

Before that, India was no better as I would frequently get into trouble in 3rd grade for conversing in Hindi despite the school’s new policy of “English-only.”

“Are there any page or word limits for assignments? Do we have to type them?” someone from the front of the class asked Mrs Black.

“No,” she paused. “You all will have to forget everything you have learned in English so far. I don’t care what color, font, paper, pen you use. It only has to be legible. You could write in crayons for all I care.”

My jaw dropped.

My last teacher would count the number of words in your paper then dock points for every word you went over the word limit.

English all of a sudden became a subject I could get into. From that point on, I would spend hours making my assignments look playful with colourful text, artistic layouts—and yes, sometimes, I’d use crayons.

Writing was now fun, but what about reading? Mrs. Black could change how we wrote assignments that she graded, but she’d have no control over what books we had to read as part of the school board curriculum.

“Ethan Frome will be our first book,” said Mrs. Black.

I groaned. It already sounded boring.

I waited for Mrs. Black to tell us what a classic the book was: How it would broaden our minds.

“The book is incredibly boring and depressing. And the main character, Zeena, is a bitch.”

B-I-T-C-H. Yep, she said it in class. I now wanted to read the book to see how much of a bitch Zeena really was.

That year, I got a 97, an A, one of the highest grades in the class. Every year after, I got an A in English. It no longer would be a subject that I was afraid of.

Now, over 20 years later, I still remember the book Ethan Frome. And all the books we read in Mrs. Black’s class. All because one teacher had the courage to be unconventional, to bring her honest self in front of us every day—so we could do the same.


Cover image created by Zehra Nawab. Illustrated portrait by Sam Trieu.

Swati Swoboda arrived in Canada at the age of 17 after a 36-hour trip around the world from India over the wrong ocean…sometimes that’s the only flight available. Swati went to elementary school in India, middle school in UAE, high school in US, and university in Canada. She is often at loss on how to answer, “where are you from?” so she defaults to “Waterloo,” where she has been living for the last 12 years with her husband and three kids.

This story was produced in

The X Page:
A Storytelling Workshop

with generous support from:

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union is a member-owned financial cooperative serving people across Ontario who want to connect their values and faith with their finances.

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement is a dynamic space on the University of Waterloo campus, home to peace-oriented innovators, and established organizations from the region’s vibrant peacebuilding field.

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo is making cultural development a priority to make Waterloo an even better place to live, work, learn, and play.

MT Space

MT Space

MT Space is a Multicultural Theatre Space that brings different communities together to create a community of difference.

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications is a boutique PR Agency specializing in Media Relations and Communications.

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares is a Canadian peace research institute with a focus on disarmament efforts and international security.

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly is an award-winning literary magazine that publishes Canadian poetry, fiction, and essays.

learn more

Read more

  • Swati Swoboda
  • 2020
  • X Page Workshop

Bus Trip

Bus Trip

by Kareen Atejoh

“



Many questions ran through my mind: "Where am I going to spend the night? How will I get to school tomorrow? Why did I agree to come to this far away school?"

Kareen Atejoh

I was fifteen years old, stuck in the middle of nowhere. It was a village called Bachuo-ntai, located in South West Province, Cameroon, a place I had never been. This is the story of how I ended up there.  

I had passed the exams required to gain admission into high school and now was on my way to the most prestigious girls’ school in the country. I didn’t want to go to boarding school. But my mother, a nurse with a busy schedule, said this was not up for negotiation.

The journey would not be an easy one. 

I was with a childhood friend who had been attending the school for the past five years. We boarded a bus from my hometown and traveled for about three hours to a city called Kumba.

The ride was a bumpy one as the road was untarred, muddy, and very slippery. The driver lost control of the bus at some point and it began to fishtail. He paid some villagers to support the bus as he slowly drove through the mud. 

We stopped at Bachuo-Ntai, where this story began and everyone started getting off the bus. My friend said that the driver probably wanted us to stretch our legs and get some fresh air. 

The smell of eru, my favourite and the traditional meal of the people from this area filled the air and I bought a plate. I could hear music playing from a distance as I looked and saw a few houses sparsely constructed.

About an hour later, I noticed my friends having a conversation with the driver. I moved closer to find out why they all looked so worried. The driver explained that we would not make it to school tonight. And it was already getting dark.

“Why not?” I asked.

“There is a big hole in the middle of the road ahead, I won’t be able to make it past that area,” he said.

“What do we do now?” I asked.

“Spend the night somewhere and continue tomorrow morning,” my friend answered.

“How do we do that? There are so few houses and no hotels.”

“We are going to ask a villager if we can stay with them,” she said confidently.

Many questions ran through my mind: “Where am I going to spend the night? How will I get to school tomorrow? Why did I agree to come to this far away school?” The thought of my heavy trunk suddenly distracted me as I was now worried about who would carry it from one place to another. 

Then we saw a car approaching from the distance, an old Toyota Carina. The driver was willing to take us to school for double the regular price. We agreed because we had no choice. Some villagers helped us place our trunks on top of the vehicle. 

By now my trunk was twice as heavy compared to when I left home. Between loading and offloading my trunk from bus to bus, my blanket and bedsheets were soaked in mud.

I’d left the house at 5:00 a.m. and by now we had been on the road over fifteen hours. 

Finally, I saw a little light. As we drove closer I realized it was the signboard of my new school shining brightly in the dark. I smiled as I read: “Welcome to Queen of the Rosary College, a place for future queens.”

What a way to welcome students to school! 

In an instant I forgot about all the struggles and frustrations of the day and looked forward to studying at the college for future queens. 

I guess Mum was right, as usual.


Cover image created by Zehra Nawab. Illustrated portrait by Sam Trieu.

Kareen migrated to Canada in February 2018 from Cameroon, a beautiful country in West Africa. She is a Marketing professional and hopes to tell stories on youtube someday.

This story was produced in

The X Page:
A Storytelling Workshop

with generous support from:

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union is a member-owned financial cooperative serving people across Ontario who want to connect their values and faith with their finances.

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement is a dynamic space on the University of Waterloo campus, home to peace-oriented innovators, and established organizations from the region’s vibrant peacebuilding field.

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo is making cultural development a priority to make Waterloo an even better place to live, work, learn, and play.

MT Space

MT Space

MT Space is a Multicultural Theatre Space that brings different communities together to create a community of difference.

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications is a boutique PR Agency specializing in Media Relations and Communications.

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares is a Canadian peace research institute with a focus on disarmament efforts and international security.

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly is an award-winning literary magazine that publishes Canadian poetry, fiction, and essays.

learn more

Read more

  • Kareen Atejoh
  • 2020
  • X Page Workshop

A Bundle of Wheat

A Bundle of Wheat

by Ekram Momani

“



The reflection of the sunlight on the wheat made the field look like a field of gold, which was astonishing and made me speechless. I felt my heart leaving my chest from happiness.

Ekram Momani

The harvest season was the most exciting time in my childhood. My sister, my cousins and I spent our childhood in my grandparents’ front yard, playing, studying, and helping the adults in the farming work.

Every day in the month of May I would wait eagerly for the bell to announce the end of the school day. When I would hear it, I would run as fast as I could, crossing the green fields and the dusty stony roads to reach home breathless.

My mother would shout at me: “My little angel, take it easy on yourself!” I would reply back: “I need to manage these kids to get the job done smoothly.” 

I would throw my backpack aside, carry the lunch bags and fly to the field. All the kids would run behind me, carrying other stuff like water bottles and harvest tools.

The sound of the birds was so attractive that I couldn’t hear my sister as she was yelling at me to wait for her. The reflection of the sunlight on the wheat made the field look like a field of gold, which was astonishing and made me speechless. I felt my heart leaving my chest from happiness.

People were led by my grandfather, carrying sickles to cut straws and make piles. Some women and children were tidying the piles into bundles and taking them to the threshing point. I imagined one of these bundles as my reward.

We watched as my granny or jadati sorted the wheat bags to send either to the mill, or the market or to the storage. Her name was Zainah which means pretty. She had very beautiful long curly hair which I helped to braid all the way to her waist. She was proud of her hair and every night would apply olive oil to keep it healthy and shiny. The fine wrinkles under her black almond shaped eyes, and the deep look in them, made us aware of her huge wisdom and knowledge.

She distributed the tasks for each person. She valued team work, adults assisted in harvesting, and children helped in different small but important tasks.

At the end of the harvest season our jadah would reward us with a bundle of wheat to trade with cash or candy.

All of us would bargain with the shop’s owners. I was the best bargainer.

The shop owner said to me: “You have two smart grannies that is why you are so smart!”


Cover image created by Zehra Nawab. Illustrated portrait by Sam Trieu.

Beginning her career in Jordan, Ekram was a teacher before being made principal of the school. She lives with her husband and three children—two in university and one in primary school. She has a slight addiction to Facebook, but who doesn’t these days?

Since coming to Canada, she has enjoyed helping newcomers settle in and feel welcome here. Ekram spends a lot of her time volunteering with many non-profit organizations, including the Mennonite Coalition for Refugee Support and the Coalition of Muslim Women KW. One of her core beliefs is that we should all work together to help others achieve their goals and reach their full potential.

Ekram is enthusiastic to see a community free of xenophobia, racism, and discrimination. Through her volunteer work, she hopes to grant Muslim women and women of colour a platform to be treated with the same respect as everyone else in Canada and strives for this goal every day. 

This story was produced in

The X Page:
A Storytelling Workshop

with generous support from:

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union is a member-owned financial cooperative serving people across Ontario who want to connect their values and faith with their finances.

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement is a dynamic space on the University of Waterloo campus, home to peace-oriented innovators, and established organizations from the region’s vibrant peacebuilding field.

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo is making cultural development a priority to make Waterloo an even better place to live, work, learn, and play.

MT Space

MT Space

MT Space is a Multicultural Theatre Space that brings different communities together to create a community of difference.

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications is a boutique PR Agency specializing in Media Relations and Communications.

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares is a Canadian peace research institute with a focus on disarmament efforts and international security.

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly is an award-winning literary magazine that publishes Canadian poetry, fiction, and essays.

learn more

Read more

  • Ekram Momani
  • 2020
  • X Page Workshop

Mommy’s Phobia: A Night of Terror and Fear

Mommy's Phobia:
A Night of Terror and Fear

by Anbrin Syeda

“



Suddenly we heard Mom shriek: “I’ve been bit!” All of us rushed to her side to inspect the bitten hand. A tiny almost microscopic hole was visible near her knuckles.

ANBRIN SYEDA

“Quick! Let’s get you settled in the lodge before sunset,” commanded Mom.

The sun was about two feet above the lake. I saw some bats flying above the tourist lodge.

Luangwa National Park in Zambia is renowned for its rich diversity of wildlife. Along with ferocious exotic animals, the territory is notorious for the tsetse fly. A bite from a tsetse fly causes a slow-motion death. I was in a state of mixed emotions. On one side was the lure of the panoramic lake. On the other was fear of the wilderness.

But Mom was just plain terrified. I guess there were too many “what ifs” swimming through her high functioning brain.

“Relax, Mom,” I said, smiling to reassure her. But my three brothers, aged thirteen, eight, and four, were in the mood to explore. They shook off her grip and ran towards the flimsy fence separating the land from the lake.

My mom had a tendency to imagine the worst, so she was already physically and emotionally exhausted. Somehow, she managed to get the four of us and our father to march into the safety of the lodge.

After a head count, she ensured the door was properly bolted and the curtains drawn.

“Why does it smell like a hospital in here?” I asked.

“Because I sprayed pesticide!” snapped Mom.

I wasn’t allowed to open the window. So, I got busy reading a book. Soon everyone seemed to have settled in.

Suddenly we heard Mom shriek: “I’ve been bit!”

All of us rushed to her side to inspect the bitten hand. A tiny almost microscopic hole was visible near her knuckles.

Just then Dad furiously sprayed pesticide into the air and around the window. A moment later, a fly dropped down in a semi-dead state on the floor. Very carefully, without touching the bug, he slid it into a tablespoon.

To me the insect looked like an albino version of the common housefly.

My dad, who had begun reading a guidebook on deadly bugs looked worried. My parents exchanged anxious looks followed by silence. Until my mother could contain it no longer. “I’ve bit by the tsetse fly!” she wailed and began to weep.

By this time it was dark. The forest rangers had warned us not to step out of the lodge at night: “Doing so would mean exposure to predatory beasts.”

There were still eight hours to daylight and the nearest clinic was a five-hour drive through dense bush.

My mother was weeping hysterically, sometimes mumbling words I couldn’t make out.

After a long time the traces of daylight began to appear and we set out for the clinic, carrying the insect corpse in the spoon.

At the clinic, the doctor observed the bite mark, which was now almost invisible. Then he shifted his attention to the bug. We waited breathlessly while he examined it.

“It’s not a tsetse fly,” he said. “It’s harmless.”

Despite the diagnosis mom was an insomniac for an entire week.


Cover image created by Zehra Nawab. Illustrated portrait by Sam Trieu.

Anbrin migrated to Canada from Pakistan with a family of 5 in 2005. She completed her university education as a botanist from Punjab University but decided to pursue teaching. In Canada, she has worked and volunteered in various charitable organizations. Her early life experiences place her in the category of an ‘third culture individual’ hence a love for writing developed.

This story was produced in

The X Page:
A Storytelling Workshop

with generous support from:

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union is a member-owned financial cooperative serving people across Ontario who want to connect their values and faith with their finances.

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement is a dynamic space on the University of Waterloo campus, home to peace-oriented innovators, and established organizations from the region’s vibrant peacebuilding field.

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo is making cultural development a priority to make Waterloo an even better place to live, work, learn, and play.

MT Space

MT Space

MT Space is a Multicultural Theatre Space that brings different communities together to create a community of difference.

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications is a boutique PR Agency specializing in Media Relations and Communications.

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares is a Canadian peace research institute with a focus on disarmament efforts and international security.

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly is an award-winning literary magazine that publishes Canadian poetry, fiction, and essays.

learn more

Read more

  • Anbrin Syeda
  • 2020
  • X Page Workshop

The Bead

The Bead

by Rozina Shaheen

“



I tried to put the bead near the side curve of my nose. I could feel that it made me look more beautiful and I wanted to stick it there.

Rozina Shaheen

I was at the first house that I remember. A farm house. I was around six years old. The warm fresh wind blew through the verandah and into our rooms smelling of the roses from our front yard.

I was standing beside my mom as I quietly watched her take out her red velvet-covered jewellery boxes. She was getting ready to attend my cousin’s wedding. We were all going to go to the wedding soon.

I watched my mom put on her gold jewellery: the big earrings, necklaces, bangles, rings and finally the nose pin.

Suddenly, I heard a bead falling on the cement floor. Ting!

Mom anxiously looked at the nose pin and said: “Oh, no, one of the beads from my nose pin is missing.”

We both tried to find it, looking and looking everywhere. Bending and stretching like cats, Mom and I searched for the bead. We looked under the dressing table, above and below the beds, side table, and every corner of the room. All our efforts were in vain.

In the meantime, both of my older sisters came running in and said: “We are getting late for the wedding!”

My mom quickly locked her jewellery boxes and rushed out of the room with my sisters.

As I followed, I saw something shining near the door. I leaned over in surprise and saw I had found the missing bead! I held the bead in my hand. Everyone else had left the room and I was alone. I ran to the dressing table.

I tried to put the bead near the side curve of my nose. I could feel that it made me look more beautiful and I wanted to stick it there.

Suddenly, the bead slipped inside one of my nostrils. I tried to take it out with my fingers, but my efforts only seemed to push it deeper inside. I could hear everyone calling me from the verandah.

Mom came into the room. She quickly saw that I was in trouble and that something was stuck in my nose.

Meanwhile, my sisters and brothers also came in to see what had happened. All of them tried to explore inside my nose to find out what it was, when one of my sisters shouted: “Oh no! It’s a bead!” The bead was already choking me. I had given up on taking it out.

All I can remember is everyone leaning over my face and trying to take the bead out of my nostril until I passed out.

I was taken to the emergency room and the doctor gave me sneezing medicine. And with one big sneeze, out came the bead!

Everyone was happy that I was alive.

At that time, no one had even thought of the plan that my mom had already made in her mind: to pass on that nose-pin to me in my dowry when I would get married.

My sisters teased me for years to come for my silly efforts to look more beautiful by trying the bead on my nose. I had learned a lesson: that I had to live with the beauty I was born with. I still love jewellery as it reminds me of my childhood memories. However, I wear it with care!


Cover image created by Zehra Nawab. Illustrated portrait by Sam Trieu.

Rozina Shaheen Baloch was born in Dera Ismail Khan, Pakistan, and came to Canada in 2008 with her husband and three children. She has been involved in community development for over ten years in Canada and has degrees in Forestry, Mass Communication and Social Work. Aside from passionately giving back to her communities, she loves to read, sew, and paint.  

This story was produced in

The X Page:
A Storytelling Workshop

with generous support from:

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union is a member-owned financial cooperative serving people across Ontario who want to connect their values and faith with their finances.

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement is a dynamic space on the University of Waterloo campus, home to peace-oriented innovators, and established organizations from the region’s vibrant peacebuilding field.

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo is making cultural development a priority to make Waterloo an even better place to live, work, learn, and play.

MT Space

MT Space

MT Space is a Multicultural Theatre Space that brings different communities together to create a community of difference.

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications is a boutique PR Agency specializing in Media Relations and Communications.

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares is a Canadian peace research institute with a focus on disarmament efforts and international security.

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly is an award-winning literary magazine that publishes Canadian poetry, fiction, and essays.

learn more

Read more

  • Rozina Shaheen
  • 2020
  • X Page Workshop

The Partition Jewels

The Partition Jewels

by Zehra Nawab

“



This was the city my grandmother grew up in. The delicacy and beauty of these jewels were a result of exquisite workmanship, one that I was able to recognise even at the age of fourteen.

Zehra Nawab

Laughter emanates from downstairs. Dadi, as we call our paternal grandmother, has rung the brass hand-held bell that indicates the evening-milk is ready; my siblings seem to have already made their way to the table. I do not like milk but I still rush out of my room, sliding down the staircase railing of our home in Karachi, with Dadi exclaiming “Uff Zehra, you’ll fall and bring the wall hangings down with you!” But I can’t help it, I do like to arrive in style. My grandmother sits on the table in her green printed georgette sari and a black paranda (braided tassels) in her hair. The plants outside glow under the soft evening sun and a beaming wide smile adorns my grandmother’s face. She sits at the head of the table, as it is the closest to her room and thus the shortest walk. Her left foot shakes as it always does. Parkinson is it? Osteoporosis? Or is it both? I never seem to remember. I eat the cream toast prepared for me, and my siblings finish their milk as Dadi begins to instruct us to go to the wall in our lounge. Shoulders, heels, head all touching the wall; she brings a book and places it on my head as I step forward. And, as per our evening ritual, my siblings and I walk down the corridor of our home, backs erect, books balanced, and our postures corrected. We learn different things each evening, some days it is yoga, other days we read literature and on some we learn knitting. Dadi is sturdily built but is becoming frail, she has kind intelligent eyes and a poetic verse always on her lips. She helms our home like a sea captain, with one eye on the waves and the other on us kids. 

The Arabian Sea is a five-minute drive yet no wind seems to be blowing our way today. Dadi slowly walks towards her room, holding each furniture piece as she exits the dining room. My parents have placed the furniture along the route strategically; a small sofa, then the long one and right by her bedroom door a wooden chair, so that Dadi does not feel conscious about her difficulty in walking. “I am switching on the air-conditioner in my room,” Dadi announces. This is her way of making the shutting of her door, which is usually always open, inconspicuous. My mother follows behind. My curiosity is piqued so I knock and, without waiting for a response, barge in. My grandmother is perched on her bed with my mother sitting beside her, pen and paper in hand. Velvet boxes of all kinds, pieces of cloths of all sizes litter the bed, each with a set of jewels peaking at me from inside. 

“Ajao Zehra,” Dadi ushers me inside as she sits surrounded by bracelets, necklaces, rings, earrings, anklets, teekas, jhoomars—her jewels, ones she had been gifted, ones she had inherited, ones she had bought. She picks up each piece of jewellery and tells my mother which is to be gifted to which grandchild on their wedding. A pure gold Ginny coin is put aside, it is to be gifted on her behalf to “Zehra’s future husband.” Mama meticulously takes notes. A pair of gold nauratan jhumka earrings catch my eye. The design consists of a flower with petals like rays of the sun, which is why the design is referred to as the Karun phul, the radiant flower, my mother tells me. And below it is attached a jhumka, a little inverted flower bud edged with pearls. It is a hand crafted Nauratan set, Dadi says. The inlay work done in the gold consists of nine different stones: coral, emerald, turquoise, ruby, pearls, aquamarine, sapphire, hessonite garnet. Accompanying the earrings is a teeka, a bejewelled pendent worn in the middle of the forehead attached to a row of pearls which fall along the parting of the hair. The teeka design is fish-like, plain gold circlet with stunning stones glistening from within. The fish was the court emblem of the rulers of the state of Oudh, the capital of which was Lucknow. This was the city my grandmother grew up in. The delicacy and beauty of these jewels were a result of exquisite workmanship, one that I was able to recognise even at the age of fourteen.

I had seen Dadi wearing these in the sepia toned photograph framed in our hallway taken around the time she was appearing for her O level/ Senior Cambridge exams during the Second World War. She would recall writing exams with carbon paper under each sheet to make copies of each answer as back up. This was in case the ships carrying the answer sheets from India to England were to get bombed, a second set could be dispatched. India was partitioned soon after the war and in 1947 the British exited our land by drawing a line in the sand, dividing a nation into the Hindu majority Hindustan and the Muslim majority Pakistan. Lucknow fell on the wrong side of that line so Dadi and her family decided to migrate to Pakistan. Her books, jewellery, and cross-stitch handkerchief constituted some of the most precious belongings that were packed into a trunk to bring across. And so a young Dadi travelled with her parents and siblings to Bombay from where they sailed by ship to reach the city by the sea: Karachi. I wonder how prepared she was for the loss of everything familiar that accompanied this freedom. Dadi’s new home was now Karachi, the one where she would work as a teacher, fall in love with a Civil Servant, marry him, raise her family, and say her final farewells.

“May I please have this one,” I ask placing the nauratan teeka on my forehead and the karun phool in my ears, modelling them as I gaze into the mirror. “I’ve already marked that one for your cousin,” Dadi responds with a smile as she encourages me to choose another piece for myself. But I insist. I present my case. “Dadi please na, I love you, pleaaaaase.” I pause. Not entirely sure if my pleas were making a dent I continue, “well, everyone tells me I look like you, and if these earrings suited you then they’ll suit me. If you enjoyed wearing these earrings then I’ll enjoy wearing them as well.” I look towards my grandmother and she looks back, touches the jewelry adorning my forehead and pats my cheek as she lets out a soft laugh. “And there is a stone that will match every outfit! A worthy choice.” My eyes light up and Dadi nods, I leap in to hug her. “Care for them well, these were a gift from my father,” she whispers as she continues organising and helping my mother with the list.

Jubilant, I run to the drawing room, where bookshelves are lined with meticulously maintained aged books, the walls are decorated with artworks and photographs, heirloom furniture sits atop the Persian and Afghan carpets, the tables are lined with family memorabilia: a 75-year-old edition of the poetry works of Ghalib, a paandan (pure silver and gold carry case for paan), the surmaydani (silver kohl tube). And yet the wooden box seems to hold its own. It has gravitas. I have done this many times before but it never ceases to fascinate. I open the box and a mirror folds out and fits into its designated slot in front of which is a section to keep jewellery and another for perfume. This is my maternal great grandmother’s jewellery box dating back to 1945 made of sheesham wood, intricate carved with inlay work of ivory and a curved latch closing it shut—a true work of handmade artistry from the city of Badaiyun in India. Embossed on this box is Mrs A H Raza, the name of my great grandmother, who passed the box to her daughter (my maternal grandmother) in the 1970s, who then passed it down to my mother in the 1990s. 

♦

Many summers later some friends gathered in our drawing room, from amongst them was Asad Raza. He was affectionately called Asad Head-boy Raza referring to the position he held in the school student council. My friends insisted he and I would get along and that we should get to know each other; it was a teasing I had gotten used to. That day one of my friend’s gaze fell upon the wooden box that sat atop the centre table. “Oh my God, Mrs A H Raza. This box says Mrs Asad Head-boy Raza. Mrs A H Raza! It’s a sign!” she exclaimed.

Fast forward a few years and that prophecy came true. I married Asad in a beautiful intimate ceremony surrounded by laughter, music, dance and all our loved ones. My grandmothers had passed away by then but on our wedding I received the nauratan jewels, Asad the gold Ginny, and my mother gave me the box engraved with Mrs A H Raza. Pieces of tangible history were passed down that day from my ancestors to us and with it their stories, their grace, their teachings, their values and above all, their love. 


Cover image created by Zehra Nawab. Illustrated portrait by Sam Trieu.

Zehra Nawab is a multimedia journalist, visual artist and theater performer from Karachi, Pakistan; based in Kitchener, Canada since 2018. Her work garnered critical acclaim and awards during her time in Pakistan. Today, she continues this passion by engaging with the theatre and journalistic community in Canada. 

This story was produced in

The X Page:
A Storytelling Workshop

with generous support from:

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union is a member-owned financial cooperative serving people across Ontario who want to connect their values and faith with their finances.

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement is a dynamic space on the University of Waterloo campus, home to peace-oriented innovators, and established organizations from the region’s vibrant peacebuilding field.

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo is making cultural development a priority to make Waterloo an even better place to live, work, learn, and play.

MT Space

MT Space

MT Space is a Multicultural Theatre Space that brings different communities together to create a community of difference.

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications is a boutique PR Agency specializing in Media Relations and Communications.

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares is a Canadian peace research institute with a focus on disarmament efforts and international security.

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly is an award-winning literary magazine that publishes Canadian poetry, fiction, and essays.

learn more

Read more

  • Zehra Nawab
  • 2020
  • X Page Workshop

The Virgin

The Virgin

by Anandi Carroll-Woolery

“



I thought as the local village person, he should talk first. But maybe he thought because we were the city kids, we should break the ice. We didn’t know how things worked here. So we stayed silent and built.

ANANDI CARROLL-WOOLERY​

My younger brother and I were bored. We had come from Port of Spain, which is the capital of Trinidad and Tobago. We had been whisked away from our toys, our books, our TV shows, to the village of California, in Central Trinidad, for a family wedding. The name California sounded glamorous at first; in my nine-year-old imagination, I thought I would be seeing mansions and expensive cars.

Instead, we sat at the edge of a dirt driveway which stretched out from Great Uncle Nello’s purple two-bedroom house. It was one of the more upscale houses in California, with white security bars over the window and a grey sheet metal roof instead of thatch. The car and the jeep in the driveway were dusty and scratched and dented.

The sun was high overhead in a cloudless sky. Port of Spain was hot, but the heat was nothing compared to the oven of Central Trinidad. The land surrounding California was flat: ideal for planting sugar cane. There were no hills, no valleys, no rivers to take the edge off the heat.

Men from the village were constructing the wedding tent. They lashed fresh green bamboo poles to the window bars on the outer wall of the house, building into the grass lot next to it. The men cut the bamboo lengths with machetes, sweat pouring down their hairy bare brown chests. They worked silently, and the rhythm of the metal blade against cracking bamboo was their conversation.

I heard the clanging of pots and metal tawas. Earlier, Uncle Nello had shown us his precious tawah. Nello took pride in his cooking skill and his tawah—a circular cast metal pan with no side used to make the buss-up shot. The tawah was gigantic, bigger than me with my arms stretched out. It could not fit on a regular stove, so Nello had set up an outdoor kitchen in the back yard. The giant tawah rested over an open flame cradle in a mud stove. He put flatbread dough on the tawah and turned in around bit by bit to cook it evenly.

He greased the bread regularly with a huge brush dipped in yellow liquid. “You know the secret to the perfect buss-up-shot?” he asked conspiratorially.

We knew the answer from the commercials on television. “All natural Anchor Cowbrand ghee, of course,” we chanted like the model on TV.

“No,” he said scornfully, “my buss-up-shot is famous because I use melted butter. But don’t tell anyone! It is our secret.”

He flipped the giant bread over and greased it again with the brush. The bread was browning and bubbling and blistering. Another dousing of butter and he swished the bread, still flaky and warm into a tablecloth. He clapped the cloth vigorously and “buss it up” until the bread was like strips of a distressed cotton shirt. He took two pieces out and gave them to us to sample.

“You see what I mean? Best buss-up-shot in Trinidad! Now, go in front to play. My son who getting married coming any time now and I have plenty more to make.”

And this was how we found ourselves in the front yard. There was nothing interesting except the prayer flags on the small patch of grass in front. The flags were faded red and orange pennants attached to dry brown bamboo erected from past prayer ceremonies. The pennants hung listlessly in the hot air. We saw pebbles close to the edge of the road. I held a smooth one between my thumb and my forefinger and tried to launch it like a marble, but it skittered unpredictably to the right. My brother, in the meantime, had collected a handful and piled them on the driveway.

“Let’s make Mount Everest!” he shouted.

“Bigger than Mount Everest!” I challenged. We continued the hunt for pebbles and added to the mound.

A boy who seemed to be our age edged toward us. His legs were skinny and dusty and he wore no shoes. He had very big eyes and untidy hair. His shorts were too big for him, and his blue T-shirt had holes in it. He joined us in the mountain-building expedition, but we said nothing to him and he said nothing to us. I thought as the local village person, he should talk first. But maybe he thought because we were the city kids, we should break the ice. We didn’t know how things worked here. So we stayed silent and built.

Great Uncle Nello’s sister Chan was helping him plan the wedding. She had a high-pitched voice and we could hear her clearly from the driveway even though she sat back on the front verandah. She talked non-stop in a mix of English and Hindi and it was all about the wedding.

“How much people coming to this wedding? I don’t have enough plates. Eh, you, yes, Mukesh,” she flagged down an unsuspecting victim who was working in the yard. “Go in the back and cut down banana leaves and then divide them into four pieces. Wash them down. People have to eat off of them. And do it properly—you have a reputation for being dutty at times.”

 

“



Everyone looked at me and Deo. I looked at Deo, but he stared blankly back. Maybe he didn’t know the rules either.

ANANDI CARROLL-WOOLERY​

She turned her attention to the leader of the tassa drum band. “You telling me you want another five hundred TT dollars because of the recession?” She sucked on her teeth loudly making a “steups” sound to show her disdain. “You don’t even beat your drum in time, it does be all ‘kilkatay.’ Alright, I will give you an extra two hundred because I am a kind and generous person.”

She conferred with a lady on the verandah with her. “I don’t know why Nello insisting that we serve curried chataigne at the feast. He knows it go make everybody gassy. Chataigne, my foot, more like ‘shit’-aigne.”

Her anxiety then turned to panic, “Oh lordie, we need a virgin to rub de saffron.”

“What about Indra?” the lady offered.

“Ah said a VIRGIN, Parbatee,” Aunt Chan retorted sharply and the others on the verandah burst into laughter. “Nello son go be here any time soon, and we need a virgin to rub de saffron.”

A white Crown car pulled up to the edge of the drive, kicking up the dust. We scampered back, abandoning our Mount Everest of Pebbles project. Chan called to Nello, “Look, you son Deo reach! Lewe start de prayers.”

Uncle Nello ran up to the car, opened the door and embraced his son. As he turned to take Deo into the house, he spied me looking on and his face lit up. “Come, girl, come. We need a virgin to rub de saffron.”

I knew the Virgin Mary from Religion classes at school and could not see how she would be involved with Hindu wedding prayers. I had no idea what rubbing de saffron was. I looked to my dad to intervene and he shrugged.

Aunt Chan took me to the partially constructed wedding tent. She filled a brass cup with water and then arranged green mango leaves, stalks of pink ginger lilies and a puff of red ixora in them. She smoothed my hair back and straightened the straps of my blue cotton sun dress. “Take off your sandals,” she said distractedly and I obeyed. In the meantime, a small group of family and neighbours gathered in the tent and sat on mats on the ground.

Uncle Nello led his son Deo into the bamboo tent and seated him under a curtain of coconut fronds. Cousin Deo had changed out of his khaki pants and red polo shirt and now wore only a white dhoti loincloth. Uncle Nello, holding a brass plate, dipped his pinky finger on the edge of the dish and drew a red dot on Deo’s forehead. He sang Hindi prayers and took one of the mango leaves out of the cup. He shook drops of water off the leaf over Deo and then me.

He handed me the plate, which was filled with glittering, yellow paste.

Everyone looked at me and Deo. I looked at Deo, but he stared blankly back. Maybe he didn’t know the rules either.

Uncle Nello whispered very loudly, “Rub up de saffron on he chest. He is the bridegroom.”

I wanted to obey. But I didn’t want to touch a strange man. He was a cousin—one that I had never met. He was naked from the waist up.

Uncle Nello grew impatient. He took my free hand and guided it to the plate. “Take a handful and rub it up on he chest!”

The saffron paste was golden and shimmering on my fingers. I wiped one dollop on Deo’s chest and stopped, hoping my mission was fulfilled.

“Yes, yes. Rub it, girl, rub it good! Both hands now!”

He held the plate for me and I plunged both hands in. A cloud of gold dust surrounded me. I rubbed the paste on his chest, his shoulders, his upper back, in circles and spirals.

Deo’s expression never changed and nor did mine. Uncle Nello and Auntie Chan nodded and beamed approvingly.

“Alright, you could finish now. Chan, take her to wash her hands.”

Everything was yellow. Besides my hands and his body, there was gold dust in my hair, on Deo’s cheeks, flecks on the white cotton trim of my sundress and in streaks on Deo’s loincloth where it nestled in the folded fabric.

Aunt Chan led me out of the tent into the blinding light of the noonday sun. She gave me a sideways hug, careful not to get saffron stains on her new pink sari.

“You did good, Anandi. I was really worried we wouldn’t find a virgin to rub de saffron today.”  


Cover image created by Zehra Nawab. Illustrated portrait by Sam Trieu

Anandi was born in Canada, but she took a detour in her childhood to Trinidad and Tobago, her parents’ homeland. She returned to Canada for University and stayed. Her three children and husband keep her busy. She loves to be involved with the local Caribbean Association, community television and improv acting.

This story was produced in

The X Page:
A Storytelling Workshop

with generous support from:

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union is a member-owned financial cooperative serving people across Ontario who want to connect their values and faith with their finances.

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement is a dynamic space on the University of Waterloo campus, home to peace-oriented innovators, and established organizations from the region’s vibrant peacebuilding field.

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo is making cultural development a priority to make Waterloo an even better place to live, work, learn, and play.

MT Space

MT Space

MT Space is a Multicultural Theatre Space that brings different communities together to create a community of difference.

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications is a boutique PR Agency specializing in Media Relations and Communications.

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares is a Canadian peace research institute with a focus on disarmament efforts and international security.

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly is an award-winning literary magazine that publishes Canadian poetry, fiction, and essays.

learn more

Read more

  • Anandi Carroll-Woolery
  • 2020
  • X Page Workshop

Pant Rant

Pant rant

by Xiao Xue

“



You can get about two wears out of a pair of jeans during a workweek before the dust and grease really starts bothering you and getting on your nerves.

Xiao Xue

You are trudging the last few hundred meters to work. The sidewalk ends here, as the area is solely industrial and everybody else drives. You pick your way through the lowest piles of snow, hoping it won’t creep in and soak your socks. 

The shop door is heavy per usual. The smell of inert gas wafts all over you as you pull the door open. In fifteen minutes the inert gas smell will be conjoined by noises coming from every single machine in the shop, and some more inert gas.

 

The ball of your foot hurts as you change into your steeltoe. Ten more months, you say to yourself, just ten more months.

The bell goes off and you join the guys, grabbing a pair of ear plugs and getting back to your workbench. You are halfway through a chassis order. Twenty-two more and you can move on to something else. 

You can’t get the vise grip to close, so you lift your right arm and shake off the welding gloves that are too big for your hands. Way better. The vise grip holds a chassis you have just welded up firmly in place. You lift the whip to touch up one last spot, shake off both gloves, and go in with a grinder to finish the surface. Metal dust isn’t visible as it spins out into the air, but once you step back from the workbench, you can see the top part of your blue jeans are pitch black. You frown, that’ll be hard to clean. But that comes with the job, and the job is good. 

The lead hand taps you on the shoulder, you put down the grinder and turn to him. “Forgot to tell ya,” he says, “The blue labeled Tungsten does work better, but it could cause cancer. So, you know, wash your hands after you grind it, and don’t breathe it in.” You nod and get back to work, making a mental note to bring your respirator, easy. 

In a shop, your body is always extended by a tool, a wrench, a grinder, a milling machine, a forklift, a saw. When your body is not extended by a tool, you are on your way, walking to the next tool. The inner sides of your thighs brush against each other, chafing the inner lining in your jeans, wearing it away more quickly than you want it to. 

The chafing bothers you particularly when you get sweaty. Sweat glands go awry when you work hard, but they also run amok when unwanted attention floats closer.  

You see J tap another man on the shoulder when he needs a chisel. Later, you feel J’s hand on your waist, pulling you aside, saying he needs to grab a grinder.  

Your breath quickens while trying to unload the 100th metal frame out of the mill, only to turn around to see the new guy who’s been staring at you is still there. You are bothered to say the least, and want to ask him what he needs, but he beats you to speaking: “Why aren’t you wet yet?” he asks, ambiguously referring to the coolant.

You clock out and a kind coworker offers a ride home. But before you can start telling him your address, another man wearing the company uniform, who you’ve never seen before, specifies your neighborhood for you. 

You decide to bus home.   

You can get about two wears out of a pair of jeans during a workweek before the dust and grease really starts bothering you and getting on your nerves. 

You use your nails to massage the dust out of your hair nightly, and let the washing machine massage the debris out of your jeans weekly. Unlike your hair, which stays dark brown, your blue jeans don’t return to their original glory. Dark grease at best recedes to a grey patch, and a border forms where you lean your body up against the workbench. The chafed inner lining gets a little paler, notifying you of the days it has left. It’s work, but it’s trivial. It’s good.  

So you do laundry, check the chafed lining, go back to work where you are covered by grease and dust. You manage.  

You do laundry, check the chafed lining, go back to grease and dust. 

Laundry, chafed lining, grease, and dust. 

Laundry, lining, grease, and dust. 

Laundry, lining, grease, dust. 

Weeks pass, then months. The source of your frustration does not mutate, it plateaus as your life ticks away. But the frustration festers, it multiplies. 

It’s good. Isn’t it good?


Cover image created by Zehra Nawab. Illustrated portrait by Sam Trieu.

Xiao is born and raised in Urumqi, China. She arrived in Victoria, Canada to study art history in 2012, moved to Guelph to make more sculptures in 2017, then floated to Waterloo in 2019 as a welder and machinist. She spends most of the time learning and reading things that helps her understand what does it mean to be a person. 

This story was produced in

The X Page:
A Storytelling Workshop

with generous support from:

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union

Kindred Credit Union is a member-owned financial cooperative serving people across Ontario who want to connect their values and faith with their finances.

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement

Kindred Credit Union Centre for Peace Advancement is a dynamic space on the University of Waterloo campus, home to peace-oriented innovators, and established organizations from the region’s vibrant peacebuilding field.

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo

The City of Waterloo is making cultural development a priority to make Waterloo an even better place to live, work, learn, and play.

MT Space

MT Space

MT Space is a Multicultural Theatre Space that brings different communities together to create a community of difference.

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications

Durrell Communications is a boutique PR Agency specializing in Media Relations and Communications.

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares

Project Ploughshares is a Canadian peace research institute with a focus on disarmament efforts and international security.

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly

The New Quarterly is an award-winning literary magazine that publishes Canadian poetry, fiction, and essays.

learn more

Read more

  • Xiao Xue
  • 2020
  • X Page Workshop

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